Mentally distressed.....

At the moment I am in one of those phases where I am reliving my traumatic experience at that park. I think the trigger was the car accident we had on 12/05/2015. A lady rear ended us and all of my children and dh were in the vehicle. Luckily, I took the bulk of the injury and my kiddos were with milder whiplash. My 11 year old was a nit hurt as she suffered from whiplash the hardest. Mentally they were all shaken up and yea it did push even my 13 year old son into a crying spree. I think we were all pretty banged up mentally and physically. I am just glad that everyone is alive. Alhamdulillah

But, yea I am reliving my experience at that park. I think since justice was never served I just can not feel good about this. I want Allah to help me and make me heal from this. I think that the only way is for those people to apologize and/or reimburse me for my medical bills. Will either of those things happen? Only by a miracle! The way they talked to me by the telephone and the way that they hurt my feelings I do not expect to recover anything. It stings like a bee and cuts like a knife. I do not know where to turn some days. I try to smile but behind it there are many tears.

I just want to feel good for a moment. Not a single day goes by that I do not think about hat event. I hate it because these people are going on with their lives happily. Here I am depressed over this crazy event. I wish my family had never even went to that park! Unfortunately, you can not go back in time and erase the past though. I know that I have been singled out due to being a hijabi/muslimah and it hurts so bad. I wish that people realized that everyone has feelings regardless of their choice of faith. I teach my children to respect all people no matter what their religion or ethnicity is because that is how it should be.

I request anyone who reads this to please take a moment and say a prayer for me and my family. We kind of have not been the same since this event occurred. I think because when the "mama bear" is hurting the entire pack is hurting. The mama needs to be okay in order for balance to be in the cave. LOL I am trying to make light of a horrible situation in order to heal myself. It is not working though. But, you get my point the mother is usually the center of the household and when she is upset then nothing is in order. I am trying to surround myself with positive things and positive people.

Actually, this blog helps me because I can express my feelings and get them out of my mind. It does pop back up later but I am fighting a war within myself to release the thoughts. This is very hard to do and I am struggling with it very much. *Sigh* I really think a walk in the park or a day at the mall would do me some good. At the moment though it is very windy outside and gloomy not really the park weather and as for shopping I do not have anyone to accompany me. I guess I will just sit here and drink a cup pf chocolate milk and daydream. Blah.....

This time last year my besty and me were planning our trip to London and Dubai. I met her in Canada and we went to New York, then London and I went solo to Dubai. I met a friend that I had known for 8 years and it was an amazing experience. Funny thing is I traveled to New York from Canada and I had already been through New York to get to Canada. LOL the officers suspected that I was trouble. I was like what?????? Just because of my scarf, huh? My hijab scares you into thinking I am troublesome plus my very European friend here we seem like trouble.

Wow, I do wish that I could travel again though. traveling is simply my way to chill. I never feel more relaxed than when I am traveling. I am planning a vacation for the Spring. I am hoping that everything goes well with the planning. I really need to take a breather. If I can not get away then things are going to get crazier and very fast! I wish that I could travel right now but that can not happen. I have to remodel the house and prepare it to be sold. That is going to take so much work. There has to be a rainbow somewhere! I am waiting!

One of those days.....

Well, today is one of those days where I am feeling down. Just reflecting on some of the bad things that have happened to me. I wish that I could feel better about the things people do to me but it is hard to move on sometimes. I am strong but everyone has a breaking point. My physical health appears to be declining as a result of my stress. I am trying my best to get through all of this and heal myself from the wounds. It seems to me like I need a larger and more supportive circle of friends and family. It would be more suitable for me to be in an enviroment that was more openminded and accepting of Muslims. I am tired of being mistreated just because I wear a scarf on my head it is very upsetting.

Yesterday at the doctors office (in the waiting room) there were many people who passed evil stares at me. I was very disappointed to know that people judge me just because of a piece of cloth on my head. I also heard some really offensive comments coming out of some of their mouths. I brushed it off as ignorance but it doesn't change the fact it was said. I do not like living in this racist town at all. In fact, I feel this entire state is not for me. I want to pack up and go far far far away and never come back. I just wish that I had the funds to do so. I wish that there was a way for me to go to a better envirmonent to raise my kids in a less racist area.

Maybe Allah will make a way for me in the future. In sha Allah I am just waiting for ther day to get out of here. I would need to sell my house first though in order to relocate. I do want to sell my house in the Spring. Who knows if it will actuall be sold in a reasonable timeframe. If it does sell then it does not necessarily mean that I will be successful in finding a proper home to move into in another area. I guess all I can do is pray and be patient for Allah to assist me in this matter. I am trying to hold and stay strong for my children. In sha Allah there will be a better place for us to live in the near future.